I thought long and hard on if I should write anything regarding his passing.
I mean everyone is talking about it and my blog may seem like just another ramble and never be heard or looked at...then I thought fuck it I don't care I need to write something as it effected me deeply.

For years I suffered abuse at the hands of another and when the world felt like it was to much to bare and at a very young age I wanted to end my own life I found something that helped me to get through those very dark nights.

Music.. It was the only thing that calmed my soul and healed my heart.
When life was to much to bare I would grab my "Thriller" album blare it so loud I am sure people complained and drowned myself in the music of Michael Jackson.
I would watch him on tv and sit in wonder at everything he did.
I had the glove, I had his doll next to my bed for comfort I had the red leather jacket from "Beat It".
On levels he would never know he saved my life.

I think the hardest thing for me to bare was when he was charged, for crimes he once helped save me from.
Despite it all I loved his music, I loved the legend and I loved the peace he brought to my young heart and I never forgot it.

His music will live in many forever and I may have never got to thank him personally but I can say it now in this post.
Thank you Michael for creating in me a joy for music and for my own life.
I will miss your music, your voice, your moves and your spirit.
May you rest in peace now.
Bless his children, his family and those close to him and may his memory live forever in the hearts of all.

So today I filed to recieve papers for a legal name change.
Some know I was born Tammy Frederick
Some know me as Tami Croft
The spelling in Tami was the hospitals fault..lol so I just changed it back to what my mom had always wanted.
But the last name (croft) is my mothers maiden name and I began using it when I was in my late teens, as a singer I thought it just sounded better.

But today I had some legal jargen thrown into my face about how my father (who passed in Nov.) had completely left me nothing, had totally written me off.
My father and I were like oil and water and I should have known from his actions in life that it would be no different in death.
He stopped paying child support when I was about 4-5 and always hated whenever I would ask for any type of money.

For me it was never about the money, it was knowing that in his final moments he thought of me and wanted me to be taken care of.
Well I got a big f**k you even on his way out.....

So that's that, I want nothing more from him, including his name.
Now is decision time though...do I change to Croft which I have been doing for years already ... OR ... do I go with my step father's name?
My step father has raised me since I was 2 (30 Years) and has been more of a father to me then my biological father ever was.

The papers will come in about a week, so I have that much time to think about it.
$137 it's going to cost me, but I think it will be $137 well spent to rid my life of that man forever.

What do you all think?

Things are starting to look a little brighter my way, and I am happy to say that.
I had my disability apointment today and got my backpay check which in turn helped me to get way out of debt.
It's amazing how much debt you can accumulate over so many months..lol
It's like I got the money and then wooosh there is goes..ha ha ha
But I got some nice stuff out of it so I am not going to complain.
Got a new bed, TV, paid off my step dad, bought my mom a late x-mas gift and even scored some pretty awesome tickets to see NKOTB here in London!

Yes NKOTB! more then 20 years later I will head to see the boys who changed my life as a child...ask my mom she loves them...she says they taught me to read and she loves them for that :D
I am very excited actually I will be heading with some of my pals and it's going to be a great girls night out...Shev I hope your coming! we're long past due for a hug and meeting!

My birthday is in just over a month and I am starting now to try and muster up enough energy to grab a new outfit and go out for the evening with friends.
I've been stuck in the basement too long and I need the fresh air...lol

Thanks for listening!

I've got no one to talk to at the moment so I thought I would write and hope to hell it made me feel better.

Today I found out my father died, and for me it was one of the worst ways any person could find that out.
I just happened to login to facebook and one of my brothers had RIP John, I nealy lost my noggin.
I sat here mouth wide open wondering WTF. Then came the tears, oh and did they ever come rushing.

You have to understand something, my father and I had the worst relationship known to man and we parted ways about 5-6 years ago and really not on the best of terms.
It came down to, If you can't treat me with some type of respect and understand I am not programmed to be numb like you then I can't be around you....his response was he treated everyone like that and if I could not deal with it then so be it.

So that was that and I had not spoken to him since, Did this give my family the right to not inform me? Did they think it would hurt less or that even if they did tell me I was not going to care?
He was my fuckin father, if it were not for him I would not be here right now.
Despite the relationship we had HE WAS MY DAD! and I had the right to find out in a better manner then this.
Still waiting for that call, I'll give it til tonight then I am just gonna pick the phone up myself.

People always die before I get a chance to say a good bye, or mend things with them so I have this fear they died thinking nothing of me or thinking I hated them.
I am not sure what I would have said to my father had I seen him before hand I don't even know how he died so if it was sudden there would have been nothing good said between us before hand. Because when the 2 of us got into a room together shit always seemed to hit the fan.

I am not sure how to feel right now, I am numb and I have a headache from crying so much. I don't know what to say to my brothers...Do I say sorry? sorry never cuts it and how is it that I say sorry for your loss when it's my loss too?
But will they see it that way? I mean I've not been around for over 5 years so does that mean my feelings don't count?
This is just going to be a shitty fuckin day!

I got the most amazing news today!
I do NOT have to go before a tribunal board to determine if I am eligible for disability.
There was one last internal review of my case and the original decision was over turned, I have been declared legally a person with a disability and will now be able to get the proper help and treatments needed to live a more or at least somewhat normal life

I could not even bring myself to cry when my lawyer called I was just in so much shock.
She was so happy for me and said these were the best cases for her.

My mom cried because she was just so happy, after all this waiting and not knowing it seems to have paid off.

Did I even spell that right? heavly? how bout majorly?
Right now I am on a perscription cocktail of medication all to do shit dick all..lol
cept make me feel like I am stoned all the time.

I've had this throbbing head ache for the last 3 days and it does not seem to matter what I take I can not get rid of it.
I've taken T2's, some Arthritis T's and 3 T3's! and still nothing.
Mom finally gave me something she thinks might work, and I am waiting for it to kick in, hopefully soon.

I don't get on here much these days, but they say writing out your crap is better then holding it in...maybe thats why I have a head ache?
How's everyone else doing??

I have lost the first step in my battle for disability.
Friday I recieved word that my application for Disability was denied, no real reason why just a flat out denial.
Within an hour of recieving that letter I faxed in my appeal to appeal the decision.
It's now step two in the process "internal review" and my worker has assured me I will most likely be denied yet again at this level and will have to face the review board.

Today I was contacted today by a lawyer who informed me I should not have been denied in the first place as 15 our of 18 trigger points for Fybromyalgia is classed as an automatic approval for Disability.
She then assured me that if in fact they do decide to deny me once again she is going to be more then happy to take my case right to the Tribunal Review Board.

I had a great cry the other day, I just want someone to say they believe me and the more the government says they don't the more people look at me with that "your a liar" look.
I hate it! even my friends do it,I just want to be taken serious and have people know that this is all very much real and that it has really effected how I live and am able to live my life.

I am going to fight this to the bitter end, I will stand up and make a point.
And in this process I will try not to let other peoples opinions bother me much!

Wish me luck in round 2, you never know it may not have to go past that.


Siggy by www.crazyofsigtag.com

Sign the Petition today :)

ohh two times in one week, Livejournal should feel special...LOL

I just can't seem to get a break these days so excuse me while I throw my pitty party I had some left over pitty party supplies from the last event!

Last week I filed for bankrupcy, due to this on going friggin battle for disability I fell way to far behind in my bills and they came back to bite me in the ass, so I had no choice but on the other hand I was so heart broken to know that now my credit will be distroyed.

Disability needs to get their asses in gear and make a decision because this living on $511 doller a month crap is bullshit!

Then to make matters worse my computer monitor blew up (picture tube) I had had the old beast for years so I guess it was her time to go, but she sure did pick one heck a time to blow out..it's like whoa could you not have done this months ago when I had MONEY!

My doctor has issued me a nice perscription for a CAIN! yes a friggin CAIN!
My walking has now become so impared that I need a friggin cain, Nothing like saying Old Bitty here I come! I am only 31 for pete sake I should not use a cain, but if I don't I take a nice fall like I did this winter and do more damage then its worth.

This shit sucks, and I am sorry I seem a little hostle but I AM! I mean after everything I have dealt with I get wacked on the head with this! does someone hate me or are they sending some weird ass message I have yet to figure out...I am hoping its a message not just someones cruel idea of a bad joke!

So there ya have it, my little pitty me party...anyone care to join? I got a couple hats left and I think I even got a few of those blower things too..LMAO

I never write in here these days, probably because no one ever reads the crap I have to say..lol Block me if you don't like me..ha ha ha ha

This is just a random post...feel free to read on.................

I am nominated for best singer/songwriter again this year at the London Music Awards.
Head over to my site www.tamicroft.net click the big old CLICK HERE graphic and shoot me a vote please and thank you :D

After this awards that site is getting a major over haul...not like anyone gave a shit about my music anyway so it's no longer going to be the focus of the site..shutty eh? nope!

2nd I started a graphics site (see shameless plug in previous post) and I have now gotten into pixel art...woot woot
We are having a sale! buy any tube package get a 2nd for half off!
Buy any pixel tag and get the same tag for a friend for FREE! woot woot

So there ya have it...my randomness!
trust me this shit should get a lot better in the coming weeks...maybe...if I decide to post again ha ha ha ha

Thought I would stop in and make a quick post as I am not here often anymore..lol
I guess you could say I have found something very interesting to keep me occupied :P

I started a new graphics website..yippy :D
It contains poser tubes, scrapkits, pixel tags, poser tags, 8x10 fairy prints and I am adding all the time.

Don't even know who still bothers to read my journal anymore...lol but if you have happened to stop by please head on over and check out http://www.tnts-cutenmagical.com

Don't leave with out signing the guestbook...please and thanks :D

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com
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Hey Everyone,

Just got an email from Bret over at Scene magazine, Nominations have started for the 2008 London Music Awards!!!

http://www.scenemagazine.com/awards/nominateform.html

This year the process is a lot different from last year..it take a wee bit longer to nominate someone...about 5 mins.

But this year they are also adding the chance to be seen at Canadian Music Week in Toronto, which would be SO cool!!



I have added myself in the catagory most popular singer/songwriter as it's really the only catagory I feel I fit into.

So if you would be so kind as to drop on over and send a nomination my way, Maybe next year I will have a better video to post on YouTube of me actually winning..lol

The experience of being a part of this is just amazing, and I can not tell you enough how much I appreciate each of you standing by me and helping me to fullfill my life long dream.

It's the only one I have left and I am not giving it up for anything, Win or Lose this will be quite a cool experience once again!

Thanks again Everyone!

Hugs and Kisses,

Tami

http://www.scenemagazine.com/awards/nominateform.html

I spent it with my sister and niece..she went out as a little vampire and was so cute.
I got a little angry that a lot of the children who came to our door were not in any sort of costume :(
But other then that I came home with a bag full of goodies for myself so I am happy...LOL

His name is Stinky Princeton and he's 11 weeks old.
sadly I found out today he is quite sick *cries* he has a couple parasites (sp?) including ringworm..the vet said they had not seen a case this bad in a really long time *cries even more*
So now I am just trying to take care of my new little baby and make sure we get him back in tip top shape.

But isent his face just to die for? he's so adorable!!!

hope I am doing this right...The Jackson 5 .. yes I know very old school :P